By your brother.
It's a pretty safe bet that no one turning 20 takes a long, hard
look in the mirror, rubs their face with some concern and says:
"Yep,?20. How did I ever get here?"
At 20 everyone is too busy having fun, running through life at
full speed, absorbing everything, not giving a minutes thought to
the distant future. 40 is so far away, my PARENTS are closer to
40 than I am, and I will never be like them.
Until you hit 30. Then there are days you glance into the
reflection a little longer and wonder what your future might be
like. You can still hear the echoes from all the things you did
in your 20's. There are a few hints of terrors to come, and then
there are the reminders that start showing up in greater
frequency.
You never noticed freckles until they started breeding. Sometimes
you really don't know the back of your hand, because it's
changed. Tiny wrinkles that you dismissed once now can't be
ignored. Things that you only thought about every few years now
make you pause every other month.
And then,
One day, despite how many times you pump the brakes, you see the
road sign ahead that says "40". Depending on where you are in
life, it can sometimes go by in slow motion, or if you're lucky,
in a blink. Some people are so busy they barely notice the sign.
There are others, who don't have many distractions from inside
the car. They tend to linger and stare at it in disbelief.
Have I really driven this far?
When you get to the sign, take a look up ahead and you'll see my
car in the distance. Lots of roads cross paths, and I've been on
yours looking back in my mirror for some time now.
Despite how different we are and how many things we don't have in
common, there has been a constant that binds us through the
decades, that being this particular stretch of road.
We've had Hilltop, Sunlight, and Langley. We've had Patti and
Ken (AKA Mom & Dad), Hope and Spence, Phyllis and George (AKA Grandparents). We've had the Island,
and clouds, and all the people that lived there.
And we were different from the people around us.
For whatever reason, while others suffered through large sections
of their lives, we didn't, or more to this point, you didn't. You
grew up far from poor with a loving Mother and Father who were
supportive in every way. We never had to chastise Dad for
smoking, or wake up to see Mom on the couch curled up next to a
bottle. We didn't hide in our rooms during arguments between the
adults, because there were none.
No one went to school with hidden bruises, or hidden shame. You
never had a sudden injury that had long lingering effects. Other
than the alien tests in 1972 there has never been an overwhelming
traumatic event in your life. Everything you wanted was available
to you without obligation.
What's the point, right?
All the bad things that happen to people affect the perception of
time, which is the trickiest part of living in this world.
Everything that really hurts changes us and how we deal with the
future. Sometimes a person who has been a victim their whole life
looks at road signs like 40 and is grateful to have even gotten
that far!
But what about the people who had it easy? What about the people
who were shiny, the ones who inspired others?
What indeed happens to a cheerleader captain who was also a
homecoming princess (damn that Anna)
and a track star that set
school records? What happens when a girl who had her choice of
any partner turns 40?
The problem comes down to the distractions of life we choose, and
I want to be perfectly clear on this point: There is no right
answer or path. In the end it's about reflection, perspective,
and how you choose to deal with it.
Every choice has pros and cons. With you, it's about what DIDN'T
happen. You didn't jump careers 4 or 5 times, which meant you
didn't have to worry about changing your skill set. Because of
that there was less stress regarding job transition.
You didn't marry someone your age, which meant you skipped past
that segment of your partner's life changes and any problems that
came with them.
And because you didn't have kids, you avoided a huge series of
distractions that chew up a big chunk of road. The 2am feedings,
the doctors, the lack of sleep, the constant attention, schools,
the list goes on and on.
All these things distract from the 40 road sign, like screams
from the back seat. What's bothering you is that you're in a
relatively quiet car. The sign seems bigger, more ominous. Beyond
it, the road looks dark and bleak.
Before you start dwelling on that too much, spin your head around
quick and take a look at some of the things that made others
(like me) smile.
The orange plastic boat on hilltop, filled with water during the
summer.
Snowflake the cat, tearing up sheets of newspaper.
Your powder puff bicycle.
The swing set.
Fresh crab salad.
You finding Duffy & the many other stray animals that came to live with us.
Watching you blow by people on the track.
The req room.
Your first car.
Cheer leading practice on Saturdays.
Setting the burglar alarm in my room.
Unlimited ice cream.
CMA when all the cool kids went.
You drinking dressing through celery while I ate Miracle whip
from a jar.
Boating with the beach gang.
Laying out for weeks just trying to get tan.
Thanking God that you were never in love with Mike Bunker.
Walking you down the aisle.
These were just some of the pictures I keep in my head, and none
of them would have been the same without you.
Now stop and look around. By all but the most discriminating
gauges, you have a pretty good thing going!
1. To date, you have only been married once
2. You've been living in the same wonderful piece of property
forever
3. A long standing job where you are respected for your talents
4. No major illnesses or disabilities
5. Friends who you share common interests with
6. A supportive family (this letter doesn't mean I'm one of
them)
There are quite a few other items I could list, but you get
the picture.
Can you continue this lifestyle past 40? Yes. Will some of these
things start to lose their luster with time? Maybe. I don't have
all the answers here, I'm just trying to make it to 41, and that
could be part of an answer in itself. It's not just enough to
quote something simple like "live each day like it's your last"
because that's just a load of crap. If anyone truly goes by that
mentality they will end up dead or in jail within a week.
But there could be a middle ground, like, "take it one year at a
time". It's been working for me the last 5 years. No one is
asking you to think about 60, let alone (groan) 70. If I don't
die of boredom by then it will be a Jesus endorsed miracle.
For you, from this point forward, it's about your distractions.
If you want to keep going down this road, you'll either need to
reinforce the hobbies you already have, or create some new ones
from scratch. I'm not saying that you should take up drunken sky
diving or running with the bulls ever year. Just make an effort
to do things that makes you happy, regardless of what others
think, and keep doing it until it's not fun anymore.
And for what it's worth, regardless of how many fights we've had,
when I tell others stories of my widely tempered sister, I always
do it with a smile.
So from one driver to another, happy birthday, try not to run
into the sign.
Love,
Mark
My wonderful brother on the right & his best friend in high school 'Mike Bunker'
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